


The World That I Wanted

by thinkoutsidethebex



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, bucky barnes needs all the soft things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29969157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkoutsidethebex/pseuds/thinkoutsidethebex
Summary: After Bucky begrudginly lets you throw him a birthday party, the two of you are ready for bed when your traditionally tight-lipped boyfriend opens up in a way he never had before.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	The World That I Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday Bucky Barnes! Inspired by the song In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt.

As you stumbled sleepily into the bedroom you shared with your boyfriend and kicked off your heels, you found yourself unable to keep the smile off your face. Bucky followed close behind, his hand resting in its usual spot on the small of your back. Both of you were exhausted, but at the same time felt more at ease than you had in ages. 

It had taken you the better part of a month to convince Bucky to let you throw him a birthday party. At first, he wouldn’t tell you why he didn’t want one. All he would say was he didn’t like parties. You could understand that, since crowds had a tendency to trigger his anxiety, but you knew him well enough to know there was more to it than that. Bucky wasn’t much of a talker so it took some prodding but eventually, you got him to admit the truth. 

“I don’t like thinkin’ about all the ones I missed,” he had admitted, avoiding your gaze. The pain in his voice coupled with the way he refused to look at you nearly shattered your heart. Bucky didn’t talk much about his time with HYDRA. You assumed he did during his weekly therapy sessions, but he never so much as casually mentioned it to you. Not that you expected him to. The torment he’d endured for so long put a heavy burden on him, and as much as you wanted to shoulder some of it, you knew you couldn’t press him for it. When he was ready to tell you, he would. And this was the closest he’d ever come to telling you anything about it. You held his face gently in your hands and waited until his eyes met yours to speak. 

“I know a lot of your memories aren’t great,” you said softly, brushing your thumbs along his cheekbones. “And I know I can't tell you to just leave your past behind you. What I can tell you is right here, right now, you have so many people who love you and want to show you how much we do. If you want me to just shut up and drop it I will, but please at least just think about it.”

After a few days, Bucky agreed to a party but only on the condition it be a small affair. In the end, it was the two of you along with Steve, Sam, Wanda and Pietro, Natasha, and a few other friends Bucky had made through groups and around town. When the party started, he was glued to your side, offering nothing more than polite nods to the guests as his hand gripped yours tightly. As the evening wore on and the drinks flowed, he slowly started to relax. His hand left yours from time to time and he even allowed himself to be plopped behind a cake at the head of the table while everyone sang “Happy Birthday.” He laughed and joked with his friends as you watched with a permanent smile etched on your face. You’d never seen him so at ease or talkative and it made your heart flutter. If anyone in the world deserved peace and a fun, light-hearted birthday party, it was James Buchanan Barnes. 

Eventually, the party wound down and the two of you made your way back to your room with your hands locked together and your soft laughter filling the air. Bucky closed the door behind you and yawned softly, shrugging off his sweatshirt. 

“I’m gonna go get changed,” you said, offering him a sleepy smile. “I’ll meet you in bed.” He returned your smile and nodded, not saying a word as he walked toward the bed. You chuckled softly to yourself and went to the closet, fishing out a pair of Bucky’s boxers and a t-shirt. When Bucky got tired he was always quieter than usual, so as you changed and crawled into bed with him, you fully expected him to be silent the rest of the night. It didn’t matter though. You could tell by the way he sighed in contentment and wrapped his arms around your waist that he was happy. His silence was his way of telling you everything was good. He pulled you gently back against his chest and you sighed softly, relaxing in his arms and pulling the blankets up to your shoulders. This was the best part of your day. Everything was quiet and calm and the two of you could just be. You loved it and you were pretty sure he did too.

“Goodnight, baby,” you yawned softly. “Happy birthday.” Bucky squeezed you gently and kissed the back of your head. 

“Night, baby,” he murmured against your hair. “Thank you.” You smiled as he held you close and your eyes slipped closed, ready to let sleep overtake you.

Try as you might, you couldn’t fall asleep. Normally, you could drift off quickly and you assumed with how tired you were, tonight would be no different. And yet here you lay, eyes closed in your warm bed, with sleep eluding you. It took everything in your power not to groan in frustration. Bucky’s chest rose and fell rhythmically behind you and the last thing you wanted to do was wake him up. Sleep could be tricky for him and once he was awake he could never go back to sleep. You thought if you could just stay still enough for long enough you’d eventually trick your brain to sleep. Just as you finally felt yourself starting to drift off, you heard something that woke you right back up.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

Your brow furrowed at his words and you scooted back into him a bit. You thought maybe he might just be talking in his sleep, but then he hugged you tighter and spoke again. 

“My beautiful girl,” he whispered sweetly, kissing your head again. You bit your lip gently and stayed still in his arms as he tucked your hair behind your ear. Did he know you were awake?

“I love you so much,” he said, kissing your temple softly. “Sometimes more than I ever thought possible. I never thought I could have a life like this. Never thought I deserved it. Then you came along and knocked me right on my ass, baby girl. You took my hand and led me down this path for myself that I didn’t even see. I was living in a world that I needed but you showed up and gave me the world that I wanted.”

It took every ounce of self-control you possessed to keep yourself from opening your eyes and turning around. Shock ran through every part of you not only at Bucky’s heartfelt words but at how much he was saying. He had never spoken this much at once before and now that he was you never wanted him to stop.

“My therapist has been helping me practice all this,” he whispered, brushing his fingers along your side. “She said I should start by saying it in the mirror, then I could try while you were sleeping until eventually I’m ready to tell you to your face. She says not to rush it. Keeps tellin’ me I don’t have to worry and that we have all the time in the world.” His voice was thick, and you felt him move a hand off of you to dab at his eyes. He took a deep breath, and you felt his chest shake a little as he did. It almost broke you but you stayed still, hoping he would keep talking. 

“She doesn’t get it,” he continued, going back to rubbing your side gently. “She thinks we have all this time, but we don’t. I have no idea how many lifetimes I’m gonna be around for. This damn serum could make me live forever. Nobody knows. But I do know that you only have the one and I’m pretty sure it would kill me if you didn’t know that all the best parts of me I got from knowing you. The time I have with you is finite and I’m so grateful for every single day. Every second I spend with you is perfect. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I just need to get my shit together and tell you when it counts.” Tears welled behind your closed eyes as your heart swelled in your chest. Bucky had said sweet things to you before, I love you’s and pet names and other endearments, but he’d never told you anything like this. It was better than any poetry or sonnet you’d ever heard. You never knew Bucky had this side to him before. As you were about to say something, he spoke again. 

“I know I’m not so good with words sometimes,” he admitted sheepishly, and you could almost feel the heat of his blush against your back. “But I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around. I’m everything that I am because of you. You call me your hero all the time, but the truth is you’re mine. You taught me how to love again. How to smile again. How to be the kind of man I’ve always wanted to be. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to tell you all this to your face, but I promise someday soon I will.”

You couldn’t take it anymore. Tears were running down your cheeks and you felt like your heart was going to beat right out of your chest, so you opened your eyes and turned in his arms. Bucky froze and his eyes widened as yours met his. The color drained from his face as he realized what had happened. He swallowed thickly and took a deep breath before he spoke.

“H-How long have you been awake?” he asked, his voice trembling. 

“I never fell asleep,” you answered softly, causing his cheeks to flush so brightly that you could see it even with the lights off. “How long have you been doing that? The talking to me while I’m asleep thing?” 

“A-A while,” he said bashfully, looking down. “I’m sorry, baby.” You put your index finger under his chin and lifted it gently, waiting for him to look at you again.

“Sorry for what, sweetheart?” you asked softly. He shrugged gently and played with the hem of your shirt. 

“For not being able to say it sooner,” he said. “I should have.” You smiled up at him and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. His arms wound around your waist and he pulled you close, pressing his chest to yours.

“I love you,” you mumbled against his lips. “I’m glad I heard you.”

“I love you too,” he replied, returning your kiss. “And I meant every word.”

“I know you did, my love,” you answered. “I want you to know that I don’t care how much time we have together. It could be one year or ten years or a thousand. I want to spend every single one of them with you. As long as I’m here, I’m with you.” Bucky smiled wider than you had ever seen him before and brushed his thumb across your lips.

“Promise?” he asked softly. 

“On one condition.” Bucky’s eyebrow quirked at your words and you could feel the small twinge of anxiety that sparked in him as it did.

“Oh?” he asked, trying to hide the fear that tinted his voice.

“You have to keep saying sweet things to me,” you said, matching the smile that split his face.

“I can definitely do that, doll,” he said, leaning in to kiss you again. The pair of you wrapped your arms around each other and held tight, falling asleep with your lips still connected. 

From that day on, no matter where in the world he was, Bucky made it a point at least once a day to tell you all the different ways he loved you. And for all the years the two of you were together, you never got tired of hearing it.


End file.
